Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Agony of helplessness
Tonight finds me filled with anguish, trying to think of anything I can do... I learned this morning upon rising that my best friend... no we are actually more than that.. is on a respirator in a hospital in Tucson. It took me about an hour of phone calls to find out she had been unconscious and sedated for about three days now.
Having had a bone marrow replacement her trips to Tucson battling with various problems that often arise from such procedures. The steroids have done some damage to her kidneys, but she opted for the respirator early enough that mostly the other organs are not damaged. Now it is a wait and see situation.
My chest hurts. Tears well up but do not fall, as I try to maintain.. I will cry later when it will not be grist for the mill of upset to my parents who I now care for. Sherryl's oldest child has left the hospital and gone back to protect his job where he is relatively new, while her two other children are in Tucson on the life watch. Her sister is there, and has said she will keep me posted. She may not approve of me, but she knows I care.
I was tempted to have her tell Sherryl, even if it was in an unconscious state, that I did not mind if she was late for our date.. a date tentatively set for about 3 years in the future as that is how long they said it would take to know if she was going to live or die following the bone marrow transplant. We are going to Europe, where she knows I will try to convince her to live with me.
I actually was surprised when she agreed to go to begin with. She is very big on family and has a very big one of those here in the states.
We have had one date, many moons ago... and she was a week late for that one, something I have teased her about now and then just to remind her. It was a sort of blind date arranged by mutual friends (one of who still misspells her name) and attended by a large consortium of co-workers to insure no one felt they needed rescuing. Back then she had decided she needed to focus on her children and was not ready to pursue any relationships with anyone. I finally went off to live somewhere else for a bit, lost touch, tried to regain communication.. and was finally successful with the help of mutual friends who worked at helping me search when she was nowhere to be found. It was on finding her again that I learned about the bone marrow transplant and all that had been happening.
I want to go there. I know she is sedated, not awake. I have no one to leave here to care for my parents. I have an obligation. Mother has become more and more dependent upon me on a 24/7 basis. Dad has become less and less able to care for her and more dependent on me as well.
Because the trips to Tucson were pretty much weekly for treatments, I gave her my laptop computer so she would have a way to communicate with her kids during these trips as only speaking to them at bedtime on the phone was pretty unsatisfactory for both her and the kids.
grief is a strange thing. I have buried more than one loved one so clinging to hope when they say things are this bad is hard to do. Yet I am clinging. I find myself offering a swap to God. Me for her. Holding back tears that would only cause concern from my parents who do not need to be stressing out.
I have almost forgotten that I am due for a mamogram, and I expect certain results there that will require some attention. I ache in places I am usually unaware of. I know that I am stressing out here, but do not know how I can stop that process. I left word that any of her kids can call me if they want to collect. I do not really expect to hear from them. They want their Mom.. I do not blame them. So do I.
Having had a bone marrow replacement her trips to Tucson battling with various problems that often arise from such procedures. The steroids have done some damage to her kidneys, but she opted for the respirator early enough that mostly the other organs are not damaged. Now it is a wait and see situation.
My chest hurts. Tears well up but do not fall, as I try to maintain.. I will cry later when it will not be grist for the mill of upset to my parents who I now care for. Sherryl's oldest child has left the hospital and gone back to protect his job where he is relatively new, while her two other children are in Tucson on the life watch. Her sister is there, and has said she will keep me posted. She may not approve of me, but she knows I care.
I was tempted to have her tell Sherryl, even if it was in an unconscious state, that I did not mind if she was late for our date.. a date tentatively set for about 3 years in the future as that is how long they said it would take to know if she was going to live or die following the bone marrow transplant. We are going to Europe, where she knows I will try to convince her to live with me.
I actually was surprised when she agreed to go to begin with. She is very big on family and has a very big one of those here in the states.
We have had one date, many moons ago... and she was a week late for that one, something I have teased her about now and then just to remind her. It was a sort of blind date arranged by mutual friends (one of who still misspells her name) and attended by a large consortium of co-workers to insure no one felt they needed rescuing. Back then she had decided she needed to focus on her children and was not ready to pursue any relationships with anyone. I finally went off to live somewhere else for a bit, lost touch, tried to regain communication.. and was finally successful with the help of mutual friends who worked at helping me search when she was nowhere to be found. It was on finding her again that I learned about the bone marrow transplant and all that had been happening.
I want to go there. I know she is sedated, not awake. I have no one to leave here to care for my parents. I have an obligation. Mother has become more and more dependent upon me on a 24/7 basis. Dad has become less and less able to care for her and more dependent on me as well.
Because the trips to Tucson were pretty much weekly for treatments, I gave her my laptop computer so she would have a way to communicate with her kids during these trips as only speaking to them at bedtime on the phone was pretty unsatisfactory for both her and the kids.
grief is a strange thing. I have buried more than one loved one so clinging to hope when they say things are this bad is hard to do. Yet I am clinging. I find myself offering a swap to God. Me for her. Holding back tears that would only cause concern from my parents who do not need to be stressing out.
I have almost forgotten that I am due for a mamogram, and I expect certain results there that will require some attention. I ache in places I am usually unaware of. I know that I am stressing out here, but do not know how I can stop that process. I left word that any of her kids can call me if they want to collect. I do not really expect to hear from them. They want their Mom.. I do not blame them. So do I.
